Nasty Wine Review

How 'come every time you read a wine review it sounds like the dude's about to orgasm? It's like those Motor Trend articles where they review Ferraris and Porsche Carrera GT's; they're always like "the car handles sublimely, the engine growls and purrs." Well, no shit, dumbass, it's a fuckin' Ferrari. Lemme guess, the sky is also blue if you live in so. cal. and Selma Hayek is hot.

Here I review a wine that I think sucks. Stay away from it.

It's an 04 Blason De Bourgogne from Trader Joe's. To it's credit, it was only $7, but paying seven dollars to taste this is not a bargain.

This stuff has no body--it has the consistency of lemonade. It's initial palate attack does not happen---as it's 'going down,' you can't really taste anything. The back of your palate senses the acidity and the wine tastes 'flat.' The finish is what puts this into the 'sucky' category--it is a slightly soapy feeling mixed with lemonade that's been in the fridge too long. Don't confuse this with 'tannins,' my good readers- Turley Zin exhibits tannins, This is sour. This is dusty and musty. Thank God the finish and tastes don't linger on the palate for more than a minute. The alcoholic taste of this 13% wine is very apparent, unlike many other cheap Pinots and Monastrells.

If you're broke, even the various wines with animals and cartoon characters on their labels do better than this--they may be jammy/fruity/one-dimensional, but at least most of them don't have any negative flavors. I'm using this ish for sauce.